Empty Shoes

Whether we have them 4 days or 400 days

something is always left behind.

Yesterday it was these shoes hidden under my bed.

And it broke my heart open...again.

"Your broken heart always splits God's heart in two. You never cry alone." -Ann Voskamp

Left behind are the memories,

the pictures, the sounds, the stories,

but what isn't left behind are the children.

They are loved!!! Abundantly!!!

We miss them immensely!

They will never be forgotten and will always be cherished in our hearts!

My heart has grown over and over again to accept another child.

To love another child.

To raise another child for as long as I get to be their mom.

To teach the child as much as I can to help prepare them to go home.

These children are not mine but God's, He places them with me in the moment to live in the moment, to love in the moment.

The empty shoes carry hope.

Hope of a future that only God knows, a future redeemed.

God redeems, He heals, He loves, He forgives.

The broken parent that couldn't handle the now and had to let go to get well, were made whole.

The reunification that we've prayed for but been scared for is all in God's hands in God's time for God's good.

I've learned to love humanity in all forms because God does. 

I love the other foster families that walk this journey with us.

I love the kinship that steps in when they reunify.

I love the adopted parent that's been waiting for this child to love.

I love the bio parent that's heart aches to hold their child again.

 I love the bio parent that fails again and again to not use a crutch to get through the day and their reunification is delayed.

I love the bio parent that loses their rights because parenting isn't their future.

But I have to choose to love them over and over again because I see the hurt children and I can't understand the choices they've made.

But God,

He calls us to forgive over and over again in Matt. 18:22

I can't do it alone but through God I can.

We are called to foster.

The definition of foster is to encourage or promote the development of...

We don't foster alone, God walks along us on this journey.

So when I see the empty shoes, my emotions spill over as I ache to hold the little one that still holds my heart, but I'm secure in the knowledge that God is holding them where they are.

People say they could never foster because it hurts too much, but I would be missing out on so much love if I were afraid of the pain.

Romans 8:15 "For you did not receive a spirit of fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry "Abba, Father.""

Let me always cry out to my Father who allows us the spirit to foster.

The Key Of Heaven

You can buy it for $48.99 online, but it means much more than any monetary thing to me. Pepere knew his time was short and he chose to die in his home surrounded by those that loved him. On Tuesday he came home from the hospital, via ambulance. I climbed in the back with him and joked about his bushy eyebrows holding up his hat, he laughed. The laugh we all loved and we can still hear when we stop and think about him. We took the kids over Wednesday to say goodbye while he was still talking and fairly comfortable. By Thursday we knew his time was very short, Ben and I spent the day and night with many other family members praying, singing hymns and just genuinely loving Pepere while he gave his whole spirit to us in his last few days finding ways to show his love no matter how physically weak he was. Through a squeeze of the hand, a small smile, a raised eyebrow, whispered Hail Mary's he was ever so present.
I liked the early morning hours while he still slept to pray the rosary and just sit with him with the Holy Spirit surrounding him in a quilt so warm. I thought of Memere his wife of so many years in those moments and the quilts she made that we still use to wrap up in our bed nightly. How life comes back around in moments to remember those that have gone before and save us a place. So I was up early and around 4 am Auntie Arlene says "Bridget, I found this in Pepere's things, it's his key to heaven maybe you can get it to work for him." That key became my strength, because it represented to me a bigger God and a bigger plan and the gates that aren't locked once we pass from this earth. The only thing that can be locked is our heart and to open it we don't need a key just to accept the love of Christ in all things and through all things and to share that love of Christ with others. Pepere did that in all things and through all things, he served God by serving others. I put that key ring around my finger and carried it all day Friday with my rosary that never left my hand, Pepere's journey wasn't one he made alone. Everyone that stepped in that house was on that journey with him and for each individual that journey was different, it was meant to be different and unique to teach us individually lessons that we each needed in that moment.
In many ways that journey was just like Pepere, he had a unique relationship with each of us, an individual one, different from the others but no less than or more than any other unique and filled with love for every person he encountered. As was witnessed over and over again throughout his last days on this earth.
The key wasn't needed for Pepere to get into heaven, while we hoped and prayed everyday that he would be able to let go and be free from his earthly body, we all knew it wasn't up to him but up to God to set him free from his earthly journey and let him walk in the glory of God forever. The key though has been something that has helped set me free. On Saturday that week I put the key around my neck and I took to heart the things on the key.

Mark 8:36 "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world if he lose his own soul." 

The reminder to me here is that everything I'm doing should be for the greater glory of God, not for my own gain, or for my own profit to be able to afford the newest and best for the kids, but for God's gain. Where can I give more and receive less, where can I cut back and give forward. 

The Crucifix 

The center of the key, reminding me to spend more time sitting at the foot of the cross looking up at the One who sacrificed it all for me, He opened the gate and it is through my belief in Him that I will one day walk into eternity.

The Sacred Heart of Jesus.

 Jesus heart is divine, it is the heart of God. Being three in one, when I meditate on the sacred heart of Jesus I am remembering the divinity in Him, God and the Holy Spirit. Being reminded of this great devotion in my Catholic faith helps me to pause and accept the outpouring of His love for me. Pepere poured his love out freely to all those he met. I too seek to share my love by pouring it out. The sacred heart of Jesus is infinite love for us and this infinity is meant for all. When I struggle to love those most difficult in my daily life especially the foster children God places with us when their trauma actions are bigger and badder and scarier than I know how to handle may the key around my neck remind me of His Sacred Heart and that love that he has for me so that I may pour it out to all.

The Miraculous Medal

Also known as the medal of the Immaculate Conception which is Mary being conceived and thus born without sin, the only human other than Jesus to have this distinction as a gift from God to make her the holy temple of His son. "O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee." as prayed by St. Catherine Laboure upon her vision of the Blessed Mother in the form that is depicted on the medal from Mary asking St. Catherine to have it created. Researching this miraculous medal was just another gift given to me by receiving the key. Delving into the devotionals the Catholic Church has to offer that help me to remain close to Mary and thus close to her son. Just as I stood holding Pepere's hand at his bedside I can reach out for my mother Mary's hand at all times of life for strength and grace during the hard moments or any moments. Wearing it and praying the rosary multiple times a day during that week with Pepere has brought me to turn more fully to the devotional of the rosary and all the graces that can come through praying it regularly. Through wearing the key I am daily reminded of the importance of my faith and the importance on regular prayers that my faith calls me to say so that I can remain more fully in communion with my Father who created me. 

St. Christopher

A Saint that much has been said about, but about which few facts are known. He is a Saint and his name means Christ bearer, the staff, the tree and the image of a man bearing a child on his soldiers are what represents him. To me the significance of him on the key is reminding me that I too need to bear Christ in my heart at all times. To remember he is always with me, the key hanging on my neck reminds me I am bearing Him to others and to act in ways that show the face of Jesus to those whom I meet.
Finally on the reverse side is the note I am a Catholic, in case of accident please call a Priest. Hopefully I will never need said note, but it also serves as a reminder that my faith lies in the universal truth of Christ. I love my Catholic faith and wearing a token of that faith helps me in my daily life.

Be Not Afraid

In the Bible, "be not afraid" is stated 365 times, one for every day of the year. The song lyrics, "Be not afraid I go before you always come follow me and I will give you rest, " played on repeat in my head during the hospice care of my grandfather. I sang it to him over and over when he looked in distress or when he coughed uncomfortably or when my soul longed for him to know he wasn't alone. Because although I sang it to him, through it I also found comfort. I found comfort in knowing the journey before him had already been walked, that he wasn't walking it alone. The footprints in the sand were Jesus' right next to his and where there was only one set I knew he was being carried.
In those hard moments, in those uncomfortable moments, in those why must he suffer moments knowing Jesus had walked before and opened the gates of heaven for our grandfather is what brought me peace. Through my peace I could offer him peace when he strained for breath or for comfort in the uncomfortable.
Dying slowly knowing you are on your way out isn't for the weak but for the strong, and Pepere was strong. In his death, he showed more strength than an average man and it was a privilege to be a present to see it. Deuteronomy 31:7 states "be strong and steadfast" and 31:8 continues with "It is the Lord who goes before you: he will be with you and will never fail or foresake you. So do not fear or be dismayed" Pepere's strength didn't come from him alone rather from the One who made him, and his faith which he upheld all the days of his life in the God he loved. The verses from the song Be Not Afraid can be found throughout the Bible, one in particular in Isaiah 43 struck me paraphrasing, you cross through raging waters, you walk through flames unharmed. If God can do all this then could he not carry Pepere lovingly in His arms through the gates of heaven. I pictured in my mind thousands of times that week, Pepere being lifted up into the arms of Jesus with Mary at his side going home. Oh how it hurts on this side of heaven to not be held in Pepere's arms any longer, but I still cling to these memories and to the words of this song.
The next part of the refrain be not afraid I GO BEFORE YOU ALWAYS challenged me to look where he went before us in the Bible. By the side of Pepere as he took his last journey I also began a journey to find a fresh new connection with my God, the one Pepere always looked to. I attend Mass and I participate in my faith and I try to live it, but I stumble and fall short. During this week where one I loved so much was giving the last of himself on this earth, I realized I need to give more, more of me to the One who goes before me. The verses below show where God went before his beloved and fought for them. Not only did he go before them but He also went after them.
In Deuteronomy 1:30 "The Lord, your God, who goes before you, is the one who will fight for you..." Again in Isaiah 52:12 "For the Lord go before you, and your rear guard is the God of Israel." Psalm 139:5 "Behind and before you encircle me and rest your hand upon me."
In knowing He continues to come after me and that He ushered Pepere home and followed him into his final resting place with Him for all eternity gives me comfort on this side. The comfort of knowing God follows me just as He followed Pepere to never be alone but to be lead and be followed from the front and the rear He surrounds us He protects us. I felt that so profoundly in moments with Pepere that week, where I sang the words and knew God was present was leading and remaining with us where we could not follow Pepere but God could.
Jesus also prepared a place in John 14:3 "And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be." Jesus came and was present there with us. Pepere's place was prepared as for all of us there is a place, and He came back not only in the resurrection, but in that time in that space in that room with Pepere. His presence was felt in all the faces and all the love that surrounded Pepere. When I sang those words it was with true belief that Jesus had prepared Pepere's place and his time had come to go be with Him.
The last part of the refrain COME FOLLOW ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST. That's the reason we are baptized that's why we say yes to Jesus, let us follow Him so his rest may be ours. Complete peace in the arms of God only happiness to those who follow him all the days of our life because heaven is an eternity of happiness.
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all you who are labored and burdened, and I will give you rest." The burdens on Pepere were great. His body was continuing to fight to breathe to live, his spirit was strong until the moment he left this world. I sang that refrain less than an hour before he breathed his last and I know Pepere gave all he had to give in this world, he labored his whole life to make the world a better place around him and he found his rest in the loving arms of Christ.

After the reflections

Sometimes teaching religious education is a burden, but last week I realized how worth it it was.

After the children shared what they learned I asked

them to share what we could do better.

That's when it got fun.

"Drink less coffee, you guys are hyper"

"Use the spotlight more"

"Rearrange the desks so we sit in a circle more."

"More treats"

"Less tests"

There was no negative comments, and we learned what really reached them.

It was fun to learn how much they liked to communicate with eachother and grow as a community.

Teaching religious ed helps me to dig deeper into my own faith,

frequently I find something I don't know and have to look it up or I am reminded of something

I have forgetten.

Always seek to know God more, always seek to grow closer...

4th Grade Reflections

Sometimes as parents we wonder is their catechism really sinking in.

I know my faith requires me to take them to religious education weekly but does it matter.

These reflections by 4th graders show it matters, THEY GET IT.

They remember our time is worth it, their time is worth it, it's sinking in they are meeting God and Jesus and their faith is building and becoming their own and they feel Jesus present.

A glimpse of what they reflected on last week.

IN THE WORDS OF THE KIDS

..."My favorite thing we learned this year is parables. A parable is a story told by Jesus to teach us a moral, spiritual lesson."

..."My favorite thing I learned was how Jesus died on the cross for us. I found it facinating that Jesus went through pain just for our sins. I learned that people were excited to see him die and teased him and he did not even fight back. He did not tell them to stop and went through the pain for us."

..."My favorite thing we learned was the seven Sacraments. This is because I did not know a lot about them and what they were. They helped me learn what they are. The seven Sacraments are Baptism, Penance, First Communion/Eucharist, Confirmation, Marriage, Anointing of the Sick and Holy Orders. So far I received Baptism, Penance, and First Communion. I will only receive 6 in my life, because I am not a man and I'm not going to become a priest, deacon or bishop."

..."Works of mercy were my favorite lesson. There are 2 kinds of mercy corporal and spiritual actos of mercy. There are 7 corporal and spiritual acts of mercy."

..."I never knew about Saul when we heard the story about Saul it was amazing because he did not like Christians and one day he got knocked off of a horse. He became blind because of that, Jesus and God had touched Saul. Saul was no longer blind and turned into St. Paul."

..."The 10 Comandments was my favorite thing to learn this year. I learn about the 10 Commandments every year and I learn somethiing new every year. This year I learned that the stone was on Mount Sinai. I knew the stone was on a mountain but I didn't know which one."

..."During PSR, I learned about the Stations of the Cross. The Stations of the Cross describe what happened to Jesus oon the day of his death. The Stations reminds us of what Jesus went through before he was crucified for our sins. This journey shows us how much Jesus loved us."

..."THE BEST YEAR EVER, This year we have learned a lot about our savior Jesus. I have had the two most wonderful teachers to teach me all about Jesus. My favorite thing that I have learned this year is about how God died for our sins and he still to this day forgives us when we sin. And my second thing that I loved was how Jesus has magic to heal the sick and the unhealthy. This year has been a really good year and I hate to see that it has to end soon but I know that Jesus is always with me."

..."Something I liked that I learned is the parables. I always thought they were just little stories, but now I know they were told by Jesus to teach us a moral spiritual lesson. That made me want to learn more. Now I like so many I don't even have a favorite."

..."This year in PSR clas the favorite thing that I learned was the 12 fruits of the Holy Spirit. The 12 Holy fruits are charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, modesty, self-control, chastity, and faithfulness. These were the 12 Holy fruits. This year was the best I have learned a lot about God and Jesus Christ."

..."The best thing that I learned this year was parables. I did not know what parables were become I came to class. I left very excited. I told my mom and dad about parables and they liked them to. My favorite parable  is the lost sheep just like Father."

..."One of the things I learned in PSR this year is about spiritual and corporal acts of mercy. A spiritual act of mercy is something you do mentally like for example, praying. A corporal act of mercy is physical and an example of that is giving food to the hungry or giving things to people who are in need. That concludes todays lesson about spiritual and corporal acts of mercy."

..."What I learned was parables. Now I know parables are told by Jesus and parables teach a moral lesson. And that is what I learned."

..."My favorite part of PSR was learning the Ten Commandments. The help me live a better life and to be nice to my brothers."

..." The best thing I loved this year is about the challenges. You both tested my mind. I also learned a lot about God. This is the best class ever."

..."One thing I learned about in PSR this year was parables. One thing I learned about parables as parables were short stories told by Jesus Christ. Another thing I learned about parables was that parables are told to teach a moral lesson. One last thing I learned about parables was they were told in the New Testament."

..."The best thing I learned was spiritual and corporal acts of mercy. This is my favorite because it's helping people out. For example if there was someone homeless and I had food I could give it to him, that would be a corporal act. A spiritual act of mercy would be if your cat died you could pray for  him."

..."The favorite thing I learned in PSR is the Ten Commandments because it taught me to do the right and good things and to the right way to behave."

..."My favorite lesson this year is the creeds. There are three different creeds, the Athanasius, the Nicene and the Apostle's Creed. I didn't know this until I learned it this year. My favorite one is the Apostles' Creed. We used to use this one in Mass but now we use the Nicene Creed. The creeds help me know my faith this is why they are my favorite."

..."My favorite thing I learned in PSR are the Ten Commandments. It shows what to do and and what not to do. Jesus wrote them on our hearts and gave them to Moses on the mountain. This is the best thing I learned this year."

..."What I learned in PSR this year is that the Church runs on a Liturgical Year. Before the lesson on the Liturgical year I had no idea how many other season there are in the Liturgical Calendar. All I really knew about before this year was that there are Easter and Christmas. But now I know that there are is Advent, Lent, preparing for the birth of Christ and Ordinary Time. I would also like to add the colors, each season has a different color. An example of the is Advent, Advent has the color purple which I had no idea of this before."

..."My favorite thing we learned is the 10 Commandments. I learned that I shall not take the Lord's name in vain. My favorite is I shall not kill. This year was an amazing journey."

Hiking Without Phones

Over Spring Break we didn't do a lot as a whole family, Ben was out of town, kids planned different activities with different people. Luke and Owen got to spend a couple of days with Memere and Pappa Lloyd. So before school came back and I lost the opportunity I planned a day out at Sweet Creek Park where some of the third Hunger Games was filmed. That was my incentive to the big kids anyway, encouraging them to check it out with me. It was a beautiful day, we packed a picnic lunch, and drove out there. When we got there I took all the cell phones and locked them in the center counsel. It was fantastic!!! I didn't feel like I might be  needed elsewhere no one was looking at some random anything, we were just there. Beau was reluctant, I didn't have to pry it from his hand but it was close. Overall we had a great day, and just enjoyed facetime together.

He tolerates me.

Mating Lizards, a science lesson on the trail.

Checking out a giant sink hole, Atlanta may be falling apart.

One might think that they are looking at their phones, but no they are each looking at something from nature and talking to each other. These two have always been good friends, but they won't admit it.

The Ins and Outs of Foster Parenting

As of January Ben and I were officially recognized by the state of Georgia as foster parents. After several calls and then no children entering our home, we received a sibling group into our home at the beginning of March. They stayed for a month, then we received another sibling pair who stayed for a week. We have had three calls this week that were not right for our family, I prayerfully have to remember that not every child will work with out crazy schedule and there are some rules and regulations that we have to follow like sleeping arrangements so we can't accept two boys. Saying no is the hardest thing I have to do.
I titled this post the ins and outs of fostering because part of me feels like we have a revolving door and when the children come in so much is brought to our family. Then they leave and out goes a piece of our hearts. Each child has something to share with us and we pray we are sharing something with each child. I have learned so much these past few months I'm going to attempt to share a little here so that I remember as the weeks go on what the first few months were like.

"Tough love" isn't just a phrase it's an action that takes more of you then you realize, but leaves you with deep hope for what you are planting into the child who is receiving it.

Night time story time is so much more than I ever thought, it's decompression, it's security, it's routine, it's the same book over and over sometimes adding new words to help close the day.

Stopping to remember the good things about the day is important, making the child say them out loud is important, some children don't know how to focus on the good things, it is a learned skill, and one that sometimes needs relearned.

Little feet can fill big shoes and sometimes a 2 year old makes you realize there is a big life out there and you only have this moment.

The same 2 year old can show you that the tall skinny 15 year old has a heart buried underneath all that teenage angst and isn't immune to said 2 year old wrapping his arms around his neck and holding on. This was a moment I won't forget because the toddler had shown very few physical attachment moments up to that time, and choosing to show it to Beau surprised us all.

Sometimes 4 year old attitudes are bigger than you ever thought possible, but take pleasure in the small victories and know when to let go, control isn't real, life is real make it happy.

The feeling when they leave your care is one of emptiness and it's heavy and oppressing and brings you to your knees, right where God wants you.

When new children come you don't forget the old ones, the list just grows and your heart gets fuller.

It doesn't matter what that baby in your arms  look like when you are feeding them a bottle all you feel is that connection, of this is "the least of these" and Jesus is with you.

The unknown is scarier and bigger but God is greater and if you let Him He will take it all in His hands and only give you joy.

There has been a lot of difficult moments in this process moments when I wasn't sure we were supposed to keep going forward and I had intended to write about some of those, but then I started writing and I can only think of the good moments, the ones that will stay forever in my heart and the children that put them there that are forever in our prayers.

These children come with one basic need to be loved, however we have also learned that the extra things that come up can add up so I've started 31 again, every cent goes towards providing for our foster children. Right now we need some baby gates, not something I have used many times in my life but has become a necessity now. Starting tomorrow there is an outlet sale at 31 if you feel inclined please visit my facebook page and you will find a link there tomorrow for the sale.
https://www.facebook.com/bagsbybridget/ or
https://www.mythirtyone.com/1862418

Thanks for stopping by, I hope to get better about blogging as life is moving fast.