Empty Shoes

Whether we have them 4 days or 400 days

something is always left behind.

Yesterday it was these shoes hidden under my bed.

And it broke my heart open...again.

"Your broken heart always splits God's heart in two. You never cry alone." -Ann Voskamp

Left behind are the memories,

the pictures, the sounds, the stories,

but what isn't left behind are the children.

They are loved!!! Abundantly!!!

We miss them immensely!

They will never be forgotten and will always be cherished in our hearts!

My heart has grown over and over again to accept another child.

To love another child.

To raise another child for as long as I get to be their mom.

To teach the child as much as I can to help prepare them to go home.

These children are not mine but God's, He places them with me in the moment to live in the moment, to love in the moment.

The empty shoes carry hope.

Hope of a future that only God knows, a future redeemed.

God redeems, He heals, He loves, He forgives.

The broken parent that couldn't handle the now and had to let go to get well, were made whole.

The reunification that we've prayed for but been scared for is all in God's hands in God's time for God's good.

I've learned to love humanity in all forms because God does. 

I love the other foster families that walk this journey with us.

I love the kinship that steps in when they reunify.

I love the adopted parent that's been waiting for this child to love.

I love the bio parent that's heart aches to hold their child again.

 I love the bio parent that fails again and again to not use a crutch to get through the day and their reunification is delayed.

I love the bio parent that loses their rights because parenting isn't their future.

But I have to choose to love them over and over again because I see the hurt children and I can't understand the choices they've made.

But God,

He calls us to forgive over and over again in Matt. 18:22

I can't do it alone but through God I can.

We are called to foster.

The definition of foster is to encourage or promote the development of...

We don't foster alone, God walks along us on this journey.

So when I see the empty shoes, my emotions spill over as I ache to hold the little one that still holds my heart, but I'm secure in the knowledge that God is holding them where they are.

People say they could never foster because it hurts too much, but I would be missing out on so much love if I were afraid of the pain.

Romans 8:15 "For you did not receive a spirit of fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry "Abba, Father.""

Let me always cry out to my Father who allows us the spirit to foster.

The Key Of Heaven

You can buy it for $48.99 online, but it means much more than any monetary thing to me. Pepere knew his time was short and he chose to die in his home surrounded by those that loved him. On Tuesday he came home from the hospital, via ambulance. I climbed in the back with him and joked about his bushy eyebrows holding up his hat, he laughed. The laugh we all loved and we can still hear when we stop and think about him. We took the kids over Wednesday to say goodbye while he was still talking and fairly comfortable. By Thursday we knew his time was very short, Ben and I spent the day and night with many other family members praying, singing hymns and just genuinely loving Pepere while he gave his whole spirit to us in his last few days finding ways to show his love no matter how physically weak he was. Through a squeeze of the hand, a small smile, a raised eyebrow, whispered Hail Mary's he was ever so present.
I liked the early morning hours while he still slept to pray the rosary and just sit with him with the Holy Spirit surrounding him in a quilt so warm. I thought of Memere his wife of so many years in those moments and the quilts she made that we still use to wrap up in our bed nightly. How life comes back around in moments to remember those that have gone before and save us a place. So I was up early and around 4 am Auntie Arlene says "Bridget, I found this in Pepere's things, it's his key to heaven maybe you can get it to work for him." That key became my strength, because it represented to me a bigger God and a bigger plan and the gates that aren't locked once we pass from this earth. The only thing that can be locked is our heart and to open it we don't need a key just to accept the love of Christ in all things and through all things and to share that love of Christ with others. Pepere did that in all things and through all things, he served God by serving others. I put that key ring around my finger and carried it all day Friday with my rosary that never left my hand, Pepere's journey wasn't one he made alone. Everyone that stepped in that house was on that journey with him and for each individual that journey was different, it was meant to be different and unique to teach us individually lessons that we each needed in that moment.
In many ways that journey was just like Pepere, he had a unique relationship with each of us, an individual one, different from the others but no less than or more than any other unique and filled with love for every person he encountered. As was witnessed over and over again throughout his last days on this earth.
The key wasn't needed for Pepere to get into heaven, while we hoped and prayed everyday that he would be able to let go and be free from his earthly body, we all knew it wasn't up to him but up to God to set him free from his earthly journey and let him walk in the glory of God forever. The key though has been something that has helped set me free. On Saturday that week I put the key around my neck and I took to heart the things on the key.

Mark 8:36 "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world if he lose his own soul." 

The reminder to me here is that everything I'm doing should be for the greater glory of God, not for my own gain, or for my own profit to be able to afford the newest and best for the kids, but for God's gain. Where can I give more and receive less, where can I cut back and give forward. 

The Crucifix 

The center of the key, reminding me to spend more time sitting at the foot of the cross looking up at the One who sacrificed it all for me, He opened the gate and it is through my belief in Him that I will one day walk into eternity.

The Sacred Heart of Jesus.

 Jesus heart is divine, it is the heart of God. Being three in one, when I meditate on the sacred heart of Jesus I am remembering the divinity in Him, God and the Holy Spirit. Being reminded of this great devotion in my Catholic faith helps me to pause and accept the outpouring of His love for me. Pepere poured his love out freely to all those he met. I too seek to share my love by pouring it out. The sacred heart of Jesus is infinite love for us and this infinity is meant for all. When I struggle to love those most difficult in my daily life especially the foster children God places with us when their trauma actions are bigger and badder and scarier than I know how to handle may the key around my neck remind me of His Sacred Heart and that love that he has for me so that I may pour it out to all.

The Miraculous Medal

Also known as the medal of the Immaculate Conception which is Mary being conceived and thus born without sin, the only human other than Jesus to have this distinction as a gift from God to make her the holy temple of His son. "O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee." as prayed by St. Catherine Laboure upon her vision of the Blessed Mother in the form that is depicted on the medal from Mary asking St. Catherine to have it created. Researching this miraculous medal was just another gift given to me by receiving the key. Delving into the devotionals the Catholic Church has to offer that help me to remain close to Mary and thus close to her son. Just as I stood holding Pepere's hand at his bedside I can reach out for my mother Mary's hand at all times of life for strength and grace during the hard moments or any moments. Wearing it and praying the rosary multiple times a day during that week with Pepere has brought me to turn more fully to the devotional of the rosary and all the graces that can come through praying it regularly. Through wearing the key I am daily reminded of the importance of my faith and the importance on regular prayers that my faith calls me to say so that I can remain more fully in communion with my Father who created me. 

St. Christopher

A Saint that much has been said about, but about which few facts are known. He is a Saint and his name means Christ bearer, the staff, the tree and the image of a man bearing a child on his soldiers are what represents him. To me the significance of him on the key is reminding me that I too need to bear Christ in my heart at all times. To remember he is always with me, the key hanging on my neck reminds me I am bearing Him to others and to act in ways that show the face of Jesus to those whom I meet.
Finally on the reverse side is the note I am a Catholic, in case of accident please call a Priest. Hopefully I will never need said note, but it also serves as a reminder that my faith lies in the universal truth of Christ. I love my Catholic faith and wearing a token of that faith helps me in my daily life.

Be Not Afraid

In the Bible, "be not afraid" is stated 365 times, one for every day of the year. The song lyrics, "Be not afraid I go before you always come follow me and I will give you rest, " played on repeat in my head during the hospice care of my grandfather. I sang it to him over and over when he looked in distress or when he coughed uncomfortably or when my soul longed for him to know he wasn't alone. Because although I sang it to him, through it I also found comfort. I found comfort in knowing the journey before him had already been walked, that he wasn't walking it alone. The footprints in the sand were Jesus' right next to his and where there was only one set I knew he was being carried.
In those hard moments, in those uncomfortable moments, in those why must he suffer moments knowing Jesus had walked before and opened the gates of heaven for our grandfather is what brought me peace. Through my peace I could offer him peace when he strained for breath or for comfort in the uncomfortable.
Dying slowly knowing you are on your way out isn't for the weak but for the strong, and Pepere was strong. In his death, he showed more strength than an average man and it was a privilege to be a present to see it. Deuteronomy 31:7 states "be strong and steadfast" and 31:8 continues with "It is the Lord who goes before you: he will be with you and will never fail or foresake you. So do not fear or be dismayed" Pepere's strength didn't come from him alone rather from the One who made him, and his faith which he upheld all the days of his life in the God he loved. The verses from the song Be Not Afraid can be found throughout the Bible, one in particular in Isaiah 43 struck me paraphrasing, you cross through raging waters, you walk through flames unharmed. If God can do all this then could he not carry Pepere lovingly in His arms through the gates of heaven. I pictured in my mind thousands of times that week, Pepere being lifted up into the arms of Jesus with Mary at his side going home. Oh how it hurts on this side of heaven to not be held in Pepere's arms any longer, but I still cling to these memories and to the words of this song.
The next part of the refrain be not afraid I GO BEFORE YOU ALWAYS challenged me to look where he went before us in the Bible. By the side of Pepere as he took his last journey I also began a journey to find a fresh new connection with my God, the one Pepere always looked to. I attend Mass and I participate in my faith and I try to live it, but I stumble and fall short. During this week where one I loved so much was giving the last of himself on this earth, I realized I need to give more, more of me to the One who goes before me. The verses below show where God went before his beloved and fought for them. Not only did he go before them but He also went after them.
In Deuteronomy 1:30 "The Lord, your God, who goes before you, is the one who will fight for you..." Again in Isaiah 52:12 "For the Lord go before you, and your rear guard is the God of Israel." Psalm 139:5 "Behind and before you encircle me and rest your hand upon me."
In knowing He continues to come after me and that He ushered Pepere home and followed him into his final resting place with Him for all eternity gives me comfort on this side. The comfort of knowing God follows me just as He followed Pepere to never be alone but to be lead and be followed from the front and the rear He surrounds us He protects us. I felt that so profoundly in moments with Pepere that week, where I sang the words and knew God was present was leading and remaining with us where we could not follow Pepere but God could.
Jesus also prepared a place in John 14:3 "And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be." Jesus came and was present there with us. Pepere's place was prepared as for all of us there is a place, and He came back not only in the resurrection, but in that time in that space in that room with Pepere. His presence was felt in all the faces and all the love that surrounded Pepere. When I sang those words it was with true belief that Jesus had prepared Pepere's place and his time had come to go be with Him.
The last part of the refrain COME FOLLOW ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST. That's the reason we are baptized that's why we say yes to Jesus, let us follow Him so his rest may be ours. Complete peace in the arms of God only happiness to those who follow him all the days of our life because heaven is an eternity of happiness.
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all you who are labored and burdened, and I will give you rest." The burdens on Pepere were great. His body was continuing to fight to breathe to live, his spirit was strong until the moment he left this world. I sang that refrain less than an hour before he breathed his last and I know Pepere gave all he had to give in this world, he labored his whole life to make the world a better place around him and he found his rest in the loving arms of Christ.