I find myself on the verge of tears almost daily sometimes hourly. There is no real reason for the tears other than a multitude of reasons, some are happy, some are sad, some just are. Sometimes I just think I am so full that something has to spill out because I just can't contain myself anymore. It has been a very long four plus months, some of the longest I can remember. They didn't fly by in any way shape or form, rather at times they crept and then sometimes they crawled occasionally during a particular good week when I was looking over oceans, they strolled amiably, but flew would not be a word I would use to describe the last four months.
None of what happened would I have planned for or predicted, but I definitely learned multitudes from each and every situation. I grew closer to my parents while feeling stagnant in other relationships. I watched my kids grow and change not really knowing where I fit with them because our lives had changed so much in such a short time. I struggled to communicate via the telephone when I didn't have words to say or I was too tired to think or I didn't want to face whatever conversation it was that needed to be faced. I flew more miles in one summer than in five years and that in itself is an experience. I traveled alone and as the plane took off the tears that spilled were again for so many reasons I don't think I could even fathom the depths of them, but leading the list was thankfulness.
Thankfulness thats what weighs so heavily on me now, this will be one of the greatest Thanksgivings for me because so much happened this year that just ends in one big thank you to so many people and ultimately to the Heavenly Father. The grace heaped upon us has been heavy so heavy that at times no scratch that all the time I feel extremely unworthy of it all. From the little details to the much bigger ones, our lives have been choreographed by the greatest Master of all time, it hasn't been easy but it has been worth it.
This last month has been an eye opener in the heaps of grace bestowed. School has been amazing for the kids, they all fit with very few hiccups and their happiness is palpable. What more could a mom ask for. I wanted to be more involved in our church, they called and asked me to teach a CCD kindergarten class. Now I'm involved. I had a lot of qualms over the pediatrician Ben had chosen for the kids, Aunt Annette introduced me to the front office manager of a pediatricians office at church one Sunday, I was all set to get the information so I could switch to her office, after a few questions I learned it was the exact same doctor Ben had already signed up the kids with. We decided to get a small car instead of two large vehicles, meaning more sacrifice on Ben's part then mine but he did it willingly and we left the dealership with a new(er), a free warranty, and cash in hand because the truck was worth more. The house is under contract, not by any means a small thing in life...but the contract is more to us than just selling a house, it is being able to let go of the past and truly only focus on the future. It is watching the weight that has tied Ben down with stress over selling the house slowly come undone (he needs the close date to come and go before he takes the whole deep breath). It is the peace that has settled in the house as that stress has lifted.
Grace is walking into church on Sunday and knowing where we are going to sit because there is already family there waiting for us. Something in all our years of moving we have never had and now it is too wonderful for words. Not only for Ben and I but for the kids watching them jockey for position to sit next to Uncle Ray or Aunt Annette or Kylie because their family is bigger than just our four walls.
The four walls we live in aren't my favorite part of life right now, but I am thankful for them, if this last four months has taught me anything it is that stepping stones are a very fundamental part of life for which I should give great thanks. The grace of living here has already been made blatantly clear as the schools will redistrict in this area next year so I have no guilt over changing the kids school because it may happen anyway and if they don't move their friends might. In closing I will quote the verse that has been very present to me in this phase of our lives...Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."
P.S. These words were written for others to enjoy but mostly they are written for me so that I can remember this feeling when it isn't bubbling under the surface, when the tears aren't easily flowing, when I'm not feeling like being thankful. Rereading old blog posts has been more rewarding to me some days than I could have ever imagined.